Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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