Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
