i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
