Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
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