Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
