So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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