I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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