I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
