Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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