Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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