I can't breathe out the right side of my face
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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