shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
