There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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