i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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