We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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