it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
