God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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