Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just gift wrapped bread.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
