sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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