I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
They took my balls.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
