I just pynch a tree in the face
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
