I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
