my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
