You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
