The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You have to summon your inner elephant
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
