I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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