Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
