Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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