wanna go halves on a baby?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
