I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
