this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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