I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
