i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
