Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
