I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
