You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You're like the curious george of whores
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
