you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
