Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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