did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
