So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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