I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
