I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
