You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
