I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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