I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
