dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
