Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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