If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
