i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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