You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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