my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
