He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
