My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
