so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
